The ampersand is a pretty crazy looking little guy. It is used to join all kinds of words and numbers and even just plain old letters together. Where would the letters M, B, R, or even D be without the ampersand? In a much better place, that’s where. I’m here to tell you about the dangers of the ampersand.
Born to a family of bloodthirsty (and almost impossibly agile) panthers, the ampersand lived a life of shadows and squiggliness. Never to be content with its life of power, glory, and agility, it forged itself into a new being, a punctuation mark. The skies swirled ominously that day, although it was windy the rest of that week too, so whatever, I don’t know. In the midst of the first century, the very day Vindex revolted, the ampersand started a new life. A life in which it would reign absolute terror over all it surveyed. A life from which it was impossible to escape, sort of like when the tongue of your shoe gets tucked down inside itself. A life of agility, still, though, too.
The ampersand grew in squiggliness and malevolence throughout the centuries, devouring lowercase letters at first, but not stopping there, never stopping, its vicious serifs snapping letters, numbers, words, and eventually lifeboats into itsy-bitsy little pieces. As the printing press, typewriters, and computerized text all evolved and grew in popularity (all of which were invented by the ampersand, actually, or maybe some of its college buddies) the ampersand was able to cover the world with the dark, dripping substance which is evil in the form of a dark, dripping substance.
Today, the ampersand has more coverage than ever, and it uses this towards its nefarious goal of connecting everyone everywhere at the same time for eternity. Swirling and squiggling around in the nonexistent neverness that is time, stretching the connections, bridging our hopes and dreams with its frigid, bottomless glare. That’s pretty much what it wants. Squish it. Squish it on your keyboard right now. Tell it to suffocate on your warm human finger. Give it the evil eye. Frown at it disappointedly. Whatever. Just show it who is boss. You.
This article is part of a series on punctuation. It’s pretty much all made up. Don’t underestimate the prowess of a panther, though. You’ve been warned.